Why you should never read a DeMuro article in Manhattan or anywhere

"waymoe" (waymoe)
10/03/2014 at 15:28 • Filed to: None

I recently had the misfortune of reading another Demuro article at my desk. I was pleasantly surprised when I realized it wasn't what I expected.

What I thought would happen: Trust fund superhero would talk about "super whacky" adventures in his Ferrari.

What actually happened: Doug wrote another fucking article about his Ferrari doing "- super whacky - normal" people things like parking and driving and being sat in.

You may already know about his Ferrari if you follow his twitter but you definitely know about it because its force-fed down your face hole at every opportunity.

Driving in Manhattan is not fun. It will never be fun, even at 3am when most of the roads are empty. If you think it is fun you must also love root canals and losing a parent at an early age. Using Dougs formula, I will write a few articles for you.

Why you should never get cancer in a Ferrari. People wont feel bad for you. Normally, getting cancer is FUN . You don't have to wait in LINES , people say you look good BALD , handicapped parking is FREE . But in a Ferrari? OH NOOOO. Your hair falls out, you lose weight, your teeth dissolve, and the crippling debt kills you! Stupid Ferrari!!!

Why you should never go grocery shopping in a Ferrari. OMG Grocery shopping is so much fuuun! You get to push CARTS and buy MUFFINS . Parking lots are full of open spots and everything is fucking magic!!! In a Ferrari? Parking lots are made of sink holes and are super not fun to hoon in. Stupid Ferrari!!!!

Notice a pattern? It's not really a pattern so much as it's just shameless humblebrags about how difficult life is when your biggest concern is the paint chip under the fender of your Ferrari. Remember when Doug tried to do this with the CTS-V he had to return before the IRS realized hes a moron? No? Jalopnik does. They remember that shit so hard, but now that it's a Ferrari it'll generate more page views so it's a perfectly acceptable form of journalism. "Doug drives his Ferrari to Pebble Beach!" "Doug drives his car to Cape Cod!" "Doug parks his Ferrari in a public lot!" "Doug eats a sandwich in his Ferrari*!" *note: he was leaning out the window so he didn't get crumblies.

In summation, the only reason driving in manhattan is terrible is because Dougs car is worth more than your apartment. It has nothing to do with the fact that 100 million people are in NYC, the roads would cost too much to constantly repair, or that subways and taxis are easier than paying $500 in tolls. It's because he's in a Ferrari.

Learn a new fucking song dude.

DISCUSSION (37)

Big Bubba Ray > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 15:35

Kinja'd!!!

This is all I could think about the whole time reading, even though I thought this was hilarious.

waymoe > Big Bubba Ray
10/03/2014 at 15:37

Why butthurt? Because I dont own a Ferrari? If his articles were about Toyota Avalons they would still be terrible. The only reason they are published is BECAUSE they are about a Ferrari. It's like anna kournikova getting front page news because shes hot and not because she's kinda shitty at tennis.

Scary__goongala! > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 15:44

If you know you are not going to like the article, why do you keep reading them...

waymoe > Scary__goongala!
10/03/2014 at 15:44

To justify this. Obviously.

Malforus > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 15:45

Because in a car with a suspension like that everyone even the reader ends up butthurt thanks to NYC's shitty streets.

Big Bubba Ray > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 15:46

No I hope you don't misunderstand me. I don't think you're butthurt. Your post just reminded me of this haha

waymoe > Big Bubba Ray
10/03/2014 at 15:47

Now Im butthurt

Crocket Bernet > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 15:47

Who's Doug DeMuro?

505Turbeaux > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 15:47

I have been one of the bigger voices on here about enough with the Ferrari. He knows, but we did kind of all vote for it not knowing what was going to happen. It will be replaced soon. Next time we will be more aware

T5Killer > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 15:49

Meh I liked it but

A. Have never been to NYC

B. Never been in a Ferrari.

waymoe > 505Turbeaux
10/03/2014 at 15:51

Its like when Fox signed on for Prison Break. "A show about breaking out of Prison? This is definitely not be boring and played out almost immediately." "They broke out of prison? MAKE THEM DO IT AGAIN"

Aaron James > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 15:52

Might I offer you a nice snack to ease your pain? Some cheese perhaps?

waymoe > Crocket Bernet
10/03/2014 at 15:52

Current Jalopnik contributer, soon to be IRS detainee

505Turbeaux > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 15:53

Ha yup, now how in the hell do we do this again?

waymoe > Aaron James
10/03/2014 at 15:56

It is not wine it is vitriol.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 15:57

I find driving in Manhattan tobe a challenge I look forward to tackling.

Aaron James > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 16:03

In that case I believe Guacamole goes best. (it's extra is that ok?)

waymoe > sm70- why not Duesenberg?
10/03/2014 at 16:05

Its not a challenge like finishing Super Smash Bros without dying. Its a challenge like fighting cancer. Whether you "win" or not its not fun and its terrible.

Saracen > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 16:13

Waymoe is truth

Steve in Manhattan > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 16:28

I live in Manhatta. I read Doug's stuff. No symptoms yet ...

Wacko > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 16:33

Doug owns a Ferrari, this is the first time I hear about that

Wacko > Crocket Bernet
10/03/2014 at 16:35

here I found his twitter account

https://mobile.twitter.com/DougDeDoucheba…

area man > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 17:09

You'd know this if you followed him on Twitter.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 17:18

I have to say, being a pedestrian and a passenger in NYC is fun, and I've driven in downtown Chicago during rush hour before, and it was fun. I'm sure it wears on you, but it's something that I'd like to try at least once. I think it would suit my driving style, and the friends I went with to NY agree with me.

Too many M's > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 17:41

No, he actually gets paid to write about cars. His subject is always the Ferrari because he gets to write off depreciation on the car on his taxes. He did the same thing with his CTS-V.

Too many M's > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 17:46

And I should really read everything, this damn drunk skimming is killer.

gergey - Wishes vette was Datsun > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 18:33

I'm not sure if you're sarcastic or quite pissed off, but I'm pretty sure Doug's articles get published because he's an entertaining writer with a decent (if predictable) set of jokes. Although to be fair, I do think the Ferrari articles are starting to get played out.

Doug, if you read this, we the readers request more articles about your Range Rover and it's warranty

Dsscats > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 23:44

What's going on with Doug and the IRS?

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 23:48

It's a shame, because if you can get him to stop talking about the Ferrari, he's pretty damn funny.

But my God I am sick of hearing about that car. After the first 5 posts or so, I was like, "Yeah yeah, y'all are jealous of his car, it's cool and the stories about it are funny, shut up."

Now we're on like the 50th, and it's starting to seem like an elaborate version of those people that have to post a picture every time they eat anything.

I'm trying to be nice, because I tend to like his writing, but even I have to admit, this is getting old.

BugEyedBimmer - back in the Saddle Dakota Leather > waymoe
10/03/2014 at 23:50

And he shops at Carmax andthen can't figure out why every car and car shopping experience is crap.

avens > waymoe
10/04/2014 at 00:29

I don't think DeMuro himself ran out of funny already, but the formula indeed did, a while ago.

Also it's true his Ferrari gets him a lot of points here. Most of his articles wouldn't have been even frontpage'd if he had a Corolla.

So, I share your opinion on that I hope he finds a new topic, plus I personally hope he changes his grammar, style as well. He just repeats it over and over.

cuts_off_prius > waymoe
10/04/2014 at 00:35

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Kanaric > waymoe
10/04/2014 at 01:06

These kinds of articles are annoying. It's like some dude trying to show off he has shit and trying to get comments and pat on the backs for his choices. It's smug journalism.

Doug DeMuro > waymoe
10/06/2014 at 14:34

Ya know — and I'm going to go out on a limb here, so please feel free to disregard — you can always just not read the article if you don't like it.

Just saying.

Shiftright > waymoe
10/08/2014 at 14:55

You need to lighten up

waymoe > Shiftright
10/08/2014 at 16:08

Im super light

Shiftright > waymoe
10/08/2014 at 17:44

Doesn't sound like it. Maybe you just need a good massage or a vacation, maybe a cocktail under a palm tree.